oh watch out

i wonder

Tue, 24 May 2005 12:51:59 GMT

sometimes i wonder if you really are as happy as you seem.

cause you know as soon as we breathe we scrutinize

Thu, 19 May 2005 12:33:31 GMT

"Unknown quotients, you must be using potions
How else could you tie my head to the sky
This new convection has left me wondering why
I can't concern myself with ordinary tripe."

i am so happy right now. im really happy in my life right now. i couldnt ask for better friends and i couldnt ask for a better boyfriend to boot. life for me is so sweet. well besides some small squabbles with my parents. those are tough, i hope they go away. then again, i always hope things that dont make me "just go away". i shouey about right? yeah, no, i dont think it is. im bucking the system. thats not how i work. im not going to succumb to the norm. i never will. i cant. this is my biggest vice. this is why my parents are so peeved by my behavior. its like they've completly lost all shred of ration. when people can't articulate a damn good reason for their "yes" and "no"s, that is when i get upset. maybe too upset. i will agree with one thing. i do overreact. i dont care though. i believe in my ability to argue my beliefs. back to being happy. yeah. im so happy. i feel like im in a split dimension. happy/sad. black/white. i dont even believe in justice. being a "child" is a drag. but its so sweet. its so sweet to run around and be young. i dont want to outlive this experience. this is such an amazing portion of my life. im writing in circles. im pretty sure this sounds rediculously redundant. i just want verbally express the inside. redundant? magnify that by 1000 and you'll be right in there. but happy. that is what i am when i sit down and think. 2 more weeks. bliss.

heres a riddle:

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 10:56:15 GMT

what happens to two people when both are equally, emotionally bound to one another, but both see one another as unappreciative?

yeah i think i can guess the outcome. its sad but true, and it pains me to think of the product, but it just seems like it will be a perpetual tug of war unless both see eye to eye. we're 15" apart, its going to be pretty hard.xo

you strain my emotional anominimity. say it.

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 11:37:53 GMT

if you cant say it to my face, its better off not being said. my eyes have no ears. maybe its not me. eyes, how do i know? you is not a name; you does not pinpoint an audience; you is me and i know that, but you is universal. mark, if you cant say it to my face then dont even bother. with me.

ignorance is bliss?

Mon, 17 Jan 2005 22:59:13 GMT

i've come to one sickening conclusion. i dont know who i am. i have a glimmer of who i think i am, but i know not who i am. so many people pull me so many different ways. one atmosphere leads me to do things that are not in my character. why am i so consistantly blind to my rational mind? why do i constantly find myself in emotional binds? binds that could have been avoided had i just used a little sense. sense of self? perhaps. but more, sense of true right and wrong. the right and wrong you get from experience. i need more experience. more moral experience. i need to grow up. i need to grow up in a big way. mentally, im a pretty grown up person. emotionally? sometimes you think you know yourself and what you want. i wish. i wish i knew what i wanted. im so confused about so much. its all inside. the decision is hiding somewhere, i just need to find it. i get vibes. i pick them up too well. they plague me to no end. all those god damn vibes. why cant i just embrace ignorance? ignorance is bliss isnt it? when i finally get everything i told myself i wanted, i just cant get content. i can never decide. decisions scare me. decisions can change your life. why cant i decide. i need to decide. indecision is not a panacea no matter how much i try to convince myself that it is. why is every day becoming a fork in the road? cant i just live a straight and narrow?

beautiful day = beautiful days

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 16:45:04 GMT

well its an amazing day outside. the sun is out and shining and i bet its hot as hell. theres this black woman who looks really young always strolling a baby down my street and as bad as it sounds: black people dont live on my street. i think it might be a housekeeper or something. im serious though, there are no americans of the african persuasion living on my street. not a big deal or anything, but still i think its odd that the housekeeper walks the baby. eh. whatever. man i get to meet up with my mom later to eat lunch. but then i have to go to work so that kind of sucks. the day is so pretty. i just want to go to the beach, but oh well... im not going to. man the solar twins sing the best version on rock the casbah. its on the brokedown palace soundtrack. i loved that movie. thats one of those movies that barely anyone ever remembers but its just so amazing. people dont remember a lot of things. yeah. im going to get on with my day. and thats the way the cookie crumbles.

another boring day.

Sat, 13 Nov 2004 22:19:33 GMT

went to work. 10:30. damn i hate that place. melodie finally got to work like 15 minutes late. by that time i was about ready to kill someone. im so bored. i go to my aunt's house in an hour or so for her birthday. yay. i can sort of tell tonight is going to be a bust. my dad is going on a date with some twenty seven year old. jesus. yeah. so i pretty much have the house to myself tonight. not sure what im going to do. maybe ill sleep out. if i do i still know not what im going to do. i really wish i had a person of the opposite gender with whom i could enjoy the time spent with them. god id love it. anyway. thats it. x's and o's

kellen always gets dicked over!

Tue, 02 Nov 2004 21:54:50 GMT

well today dave is all like, hey ill take you to school and take you home, but then, hmmm, dave takes me to school, but where is he when the effin bell rings? NOWHERE TO BE FOUND!!! he called me like twice, but it was during school. of course i couldnt answer. whatev. anyway lisa ended up taking me home. heart. god i hate not having my car. god damn swim coach! c'mon it was his fault! this so sucks. i hate relying on other people for rides. all i want right now is some god damn sushi, but nooooooo kellen doesnt have a god damn car to get to the god damn sushi place. god damn it. oh man, got a new trigonometry teacher. she seems pretty nice. and carla thinks shes hot. oh man. carlas hot for teacher. so yeah. i actually have math homework tonight. damn chehadi! right about now im bored out of my mind. battling a mean bout of cabin fever. this all boils down to not having a car. i SO miss that little white bolt of lightning! anyway. going to find something to do. ciao. x's and o's

good times.

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 20:36:57 GMT

had coldstone's tonight. whoa. awesome ice cream! punmpkin, pie crust and snicker bars. ahhhh! went to norm (yeah that guy from remembering never)'s party last night in parkland. totally designated drivered it up! i was an angel. well. an angel with a wand. then the angel wings came off and i was just a fairy thing sans wings. whatever. nikki was a go-go dancer and dora was shriff hotpants. saw this kid jason there. totally weird. i didnt even know it was him until he introduced himself at the keg and told us we had to pay five bucks for a drink and then he was all like I KNEW I KNEW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE and i was all like whoa. can i get some for free. but hes super creepy and looks WAY better with costume makeup on. and hes 21. how bizarre. so yeah. i didnt drink OK? like the whole ride there i had to endure ass and tities and my goodies over and over again. but its all good. we know how to work it! someone SO spilled beer on me, fuckin' $200 shoes! man i was pretty miffed. long story short. went to a party. biggest party I had ever been to. met a bunch of people. ate some ice cream. drove home. and the highlight: slept in the same bed as nikki IN MY MAKEUP. woo! zit city. good times. x's and o's

holy wow!

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 03:07:29 GMT

yeah. see. its been so long since i've written in this thing. still like maxeen. though not my band of choice. anyways. got that job. not as incredibly cool as i once presumed. whatev. i make my money. Bonefish Mac's. im a hostess. visit me! theres my plea. ha i rhymed. yeah. so. i saw this whole middle school get together thing on here and was all like "whoa" when mike stanwyk told me about it. not like anyone would really remember me. i wasnt known by too many. my most prominant memory of middle school was victoria vitale. she lives a street over from me and i havent seen her in 2 years. sad. i wonder if shes still as hot as everyone once declared. x's and o's

ok ok heres the low down...

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 16:39:13 GMT

last night. maxeen. oh my fucking god! they're the best. i cant even begin to describe the passionate love i have for them. their music makes my heart go pitter patter. oh and the lead singer, but you can ask the extremities about that one. hells yes. anyhoo onto another topic of interest. why do no guys talk to me?! am i unapproachable? ryan and i were thoroughly discussing this issue last night. we've come to the conclusion that we're either too gah damn sexy (ka-psh!) or we're just two terribly hideous individuals. no in between, too sexy / too ugly. i'd rather be hideous than plain. midway is bland. midway is not an option. cielito lindo is the bizzity bizzity bomb! soooooo good. i felt so bad because dave wanted me to hang out with him yesterday during the day and i told him id call him back. never did. he didnt exactly call me back either. oh well. his loss. man if i dont get this gah damn job i am going to cry cry cry because its just TOO cool. well ok it isnt all that great, but DAMN IT i hate rejection! ugh. welp as the saying goes: thats my story. im stickin to it.

here it is... my inaugural entry!

Mon, 12 Apr 2004 05:51:37 GMT

well ryan, i finally did it, i finally got an "LJ" as you so fondly call it. god i love the shins. they are so awesome! i have the worst stomach ache right now. darn you ryan! no more burgar king... EVER! grrrr. tonight my buddy nikki called me up for the like the first time in forever and she had someone on the phone who wished to converse with me. i found that odd and felt bad when i couldnt guess who it was on the other end. i thought it was this kid JJ but it ended up being my buddy derek from myspace. small world. i didnt know he knew nikki. that shocked me. in the best way possible of course. i looooooove me some freedom. i just cant wait to have my license. that little white jetta is calling my name. i can hear it: "kellen," it speaks, "kellen! come and drive in the comfort of my lovely grey interior and manual windows. come!" i just cant wait. im so excited. just 27 (or so) more days. the countdown begins! life awaits my grasp. keep sane. xoxo