| outpour? |
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| 10:45pm 19/06/2005 |
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mood:  contemplative music: yeah...
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Been walking my mind to an easy time, my back turned towards the sun. Lord knows when the cold wind blows it’ll turn your head around. Well, there’s hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come. Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground. |
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| i wonder |
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| 08:50am 24/05/2005 |
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mood:  curious music: rilo
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sometimes i wonder if you really are as happy as you seem. |
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| cause you know as soon as we breathe we scrutinize |
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| 07:33am 19/05/2005 |
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mood:  optimistic music: the shins. duh!
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"Unknown quotients, you must be using potions
How else could you tie my head to the sky
This new convection has left me wondering why
I can't concern myself with ordinary tripe."
i am so happy right now. im really happy in my life right now. i couldnt ask for better friends and i couldnt ask for a better boyfriend to boot. life for me is so sweet. well besides some small squabbles with my parents. those are tough, i hope they go away. then again, i always hope things that dont make me "just go away". i shouey about right? yeah, no, i dont think it is. im bucking the system. thats not how i work. im not going to succumb to the norm. i never will. i cant. this is my biggest vice. this is why my parents are so peeved by my behavior. its like they've completly lost all shred of ration. when people can't articulate a damn good reason for their "yes" and "no"s, that is when i get upset. maybe too upset. i will agree with one thing. i do overreact. i dont care though. i believe in my ability to argue my beliefs. back to being happy. yeah. im so happy. i feel like im in a split dimension. happy/sad. black/white. i dont even believe in justice. being a "child" is a drag. but its so sweet. its so sweet to run around and be young. i dont want to outlive this experience. this is such an amazing portion of my life. im writing in circles. im pretty sure this sounds rediculously redundant. i just want verbally express the inside. redundant? magnify that by 1000 and you'll be right in there. but happy. that is what i am when i sit down and think. 2 more weeks. bliss. |
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| i am displaced |
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| 09:38pm 05/04/2005 |
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mood:  blank music: azure ray
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It's just a simple line
I can still hear it all of the time
If i can just hold on tonight
I know that nothing
Nothing survives
Nothing survives
I think i'm turned around
I'm looking up
Not looking down
And when i'm standing still
Watching you run
Watching you fall
Fall into me
Am i making something worthwhile out of this place
Am i making something worthwhile out of this chase
I am displaced
I am displaced
And she's my friend of all friends
She's still here when everyone's gone
She doesn't have to say a thing
We'll just keep laughing all night long
All night long
Am i making something worthwhile out of this place
Am i making something worthwhile out of this chase
I am displaced
I am displaced
It's just a simple line
I can still hear it all of the time
If i can just hold on tonight
I know that no one
No one survives
No one survives. |
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| it just wont stop. its like a perpetual picture show, sound and all. |
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| 11:31am 21/03/2005 |
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mood:  numb music: photobooth - death cab for cutie
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ill never forget last night. I will never forget last night. i can never take anything for granted ever again. everything they say is true. life is so precious. there are so many feelings running through me; they stream down my cheeks in the form of tears. the tears just wont stop. i cant let them stop. the thought of life wont let me go. life is so precious. the impact of the barrier will never escape me. ill never forget the song of my name awakening me from that sleep, the sleep no one should have. no one deserves what my friends had to go through last night, the people that mean the most to me; i almost rid the world of the only shred of decent human existance left. life is so precious. [cast your worries to the side. focus only when you get the time.] thats all i remember of the . she said it, safely, that was the perpetrator. a soothing melody, an ironic, soothing melody. how did we survive? who cares. who fucking cares. i have faith. for once in my life, i have faith. you saved my life. both of you saved my life. i have faith. and i have faith in the human race. life is so fucking precious. i love you. i love every little hair on every little head of every little saving grace. all three heads. we did get there safely.
i've fallen for two things.
one of the two:
I remember when the days were long,
And the nights when the living room was on the lawn.
Constant quarreling, the childish fits, and our clothes in a pile on the ottoman.
All the slander and double-speak
Were only foolish attempts to show you did not mean
Anything but the blatant proof was your lips touching mine in the photobooth.
And as the summer's ending,
The cool air will put your hard heart away.
You were so condescending...
And this is all that's left:
Scraping paper to document.
I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.
Cup your mouth to compress the sound,
Skinny dipping with the kids from a nearby town.
And everything that I said was true,
As the flashes blinded us in the photobooth.
Well, I lost track, and then those words were said.
You took the wheel and you steered us into my bed.
Soon we woke and I walked you home,
And it was pretty clear that it was hardly love.
And as the summer's ending,
The cool air will rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending.
And this is all that's left:
Scraping paper to document.
I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on.
And as the summer's ending,
The cool air will rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending,
As the alcohol drained the days.
And as the summer's ending,
The cool air will rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending.
And this is all that's left:
The empty bottles, spent cigarettes.
So pack a change of clothes, 'cause it's time to move on.
thank you again. |
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| heres a riddle: |
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| 05:43am 17/03/2005 |
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mood:  gloomy music: modest mouse - perfect disguise
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what happens to two people when both are equally, emotionally bound to one another, but both see one another as unappreciative?
yeah i think i can guess the outcome. its sad but true, and it pains me to think of the product, but it just seems like it will be a perpetual tug of war unless both see eye to eye. we're 15" apart, its going to be pretty hard.xo |
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| i wish. |
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| 10:26pm 08/03/2005 |
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mood:  discontent music: Eighties Fan - Camera Obscura
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i just wish you'd listen to me. i listen to you. and no not you. dont worry. |
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| supine |
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| 07:24am 24/02/2005 |
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mood:  exanimate music: death cab for cutie - we looked like giants
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perspecitive skewed
I attempt to find
something called a piece of mind.
so heavily hued
tainted with black,
I know now i can never look back.
the times i knew when i was young
cannot return with the rising of the sun.
sickly jaded
lids heavy with sleep
still i cannot detour
the feelings that i keep.
if nothing else
the closing of my eyes
simply enhances
the height of my high.
a high not euphoric
no pleasure can be found
within the emotional turbulence
of my emotional sound
the sound of a mind
torn by clandestine greed
even I do not know
where it happens to seed.
it grows in my mind,
my heart and my soul
I only wish it to be
something in my control.
the seed grows taller
then it spreads out,
hate fertilizes the soil.
now everything comes out.
I once was told
"its all in your face."
furrowed brows are like words
once can never erase.
its subconcious you see,
these furrowed brows of mine.
youll never know
whats on my mind.
god how youll want to,
you know something is wrong.
my memory of you
its long, long gone.
its subconcious you see
this thing we call you.
your memory lies supine and dormant
until i finally do. |
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| you strain my emotional anominimity. say it. |
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| 06:28am 31/01/2005 |
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mood: pensive music: pinback - penelope
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if you cant say it to my face, its better off not being said. my eyes have no ears. maybe its not me. eyes, how do i know? you is not a name; you does not pinpoint an audience; you is me and i know that, but you is universal. mark, if you cant say it to my face then dont even bother. with me. |
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| ignorance is bliss? |
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| 05:56pm 17/01/2005 |
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mood:  distressed music: elefant - now that i miss her
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i've come to one sickening conclusion. i dont know who i am. i have a glimmer of who i think i am, but i know not who i am. so many people pull me so many different ways. one atmosphere leads me to do things that are not in my character. why am i so consistantly blind to my rational mind? why do i constantly find myself in emotional binds? binds that could have been avoided had i just used a little sense. sense of self? perhaps. but more, sense of true right and wrong. the right and wrong you get from experience. i need more experience. more moral experience. i need to grow up. i need to grow up in a big way. mentally, im a pretty grown up person. emotionally? sometimes you think you know yourself and what you want. i wish. i wish i knew what i wanted. im so confused about so much. its all inside. the decision is hiding somewhere, i just need to find it. i get vibes. i pick them up too well. they plague me to no end. all those god damn vibes. why cant i just embrace ignorance? ignorance is bliss isnt it? when i finally get everything i told myself i wanted, i just cant get content. i can never decide. decisions scare me. decisions can change your life. why cant i decide. i need to decide. indecision is not a panacea no matter how much i try to convince myself that it is. why is every day becoming a fork in the road? cant i just live a straight and narrow? |
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| beautiful day = beautiful days |
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| 11:33am 03/12/2004 |
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mood:  excited music: solar twins - rock the casbah
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well its an amazing day outside. the sun is out and shining and i bet its hot as hell. theres this black woman who looks really young always strolling a baby down my street and as bad as it sounds: black people dont live on my street. i think it might be a housekeeper or something. im serious though, there are no americans of the african persuasion living on my street. not a big deal or anything, but still i think its odd that the housekeeper walks the baby. eh. whatever. man i get to meet up with my mom later to eat lunch. but then i have to go to work so that kind of sucks. the day is so pretty. i just want to go to the beach, but oh well... im not going to. man the solar twins sing the best version on rock the casbah. its on the brokedown palace soundtrack. i loved that movie. thats one of those movies that barely anyone ever remembers but its just so amazing. people dont remember a lot of things. yeah. im going to get on with my day. and thats the way the cookie crumbles. |
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| why? |
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| 10:19am 01/12/2004 |
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mood:  sore music: azure ray - displaced
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so the story goes, the culmination is also the beggining of the downfall. so it goes in love. or something like love. me, always me, when i find a person i cant help but want to see and talk to, it always goes downhill. always. i hate it. i hate it when a guy picks someone else over me. i should be over it by now. it happens all the time, but geez, why now? i need perfection now more than anything. i could talk for hours. id get listened to. i loved it. i love it, but obviously not him. thank god. i hate getting my feelings hurt. maybe thats why i put on such a stoic face. everyone always asks me "whats wrong kellen" and theres never anything wrong. i hate it, but it keeps me sane. it keeps me sane knowing that no one knows what im feeling. and even when im really sad, im never really sad. when im sad im always happy because in know the saddness will go away eventually. its only a matter of time. i love that. i hate how unappreciated life is. so many people take so many things for granted. why? why do people do that? what about flowers? god flowers are pretty. flowers are like people in a way. every one of them is different. im sure if i were a flower id find the tiger to my lily, but hey, im not a flower. ok im not sure what i meant by that, but ok. i dont want to work. i really really dont want to. when i work i am so different. im happy. i put on a happy facade. its my job. theyve been pounding happiness into my head for months and its finally taking over. i actually love working. i love the facade. i hide behind it. my teacher died yesterday. no one knew. i was just as happy as i always am. nothing different. nothing to indicate any ill feelings. why can't i smile in school. its bizarre. in school my defence mechanism is to be monotone and sad, but i wish i could smile. and be happy. maybe itll come true? |
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| so yeah. |
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| 12:49pm 26/11/2004 |
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mood: pensive music: minus the bear - spritz!!! spritz!!!
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sitting here thinking, i realize how much i miss sarah allen and how far she's come. im so happy for her. im happy shes happy. im happy. shes happy. thats the sad thing. we're not happy together. she called me a couple days ago. i wasnt home. i didnt call her back. i dont know why. im bad at that. i read her live journal sometimes and wonder what shes like now. i havent hung out with her in a long time. that makes me sad. i have friends and she has friends. we have like NO mutual friends anymore. how so many things have changed. this wasnt the original post i was going to make, but the thought simply arose. i truely wish to use this space to pose a conundrum. why are boys so hard to figure out? or maybe, theyre just so gosh darn obvious that its hard to believe the thing you have figured out. i wish i had the answer to that one.boy do i ever.xoxo |
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| another boring day. |
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| 05:12pm 13/11/2004 |
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mood:  indescribable music: scissor sisters - take your mama out
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went to work. 10:30. damn i hate that place. melodie finally got to work like 15 minutes late. by that time i was about ready to kill someone. im so bored. i go to my aunt's house in an hour or so for her birthday. yay. i can sort of tell tonight is going to be a bust. my dad is going on a date with some twenty seven year old. jesus. yeah. so i pretty much have the house to myself tonight. not sure what im going to do. maybe ill sleep out. if i do i still know not what im going to do. i really wish i had a person of the opposite gender with whom i could enjoy the time spent with them. god id love it. anyway. thats it. x's and o's |
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| kellen always gets dicked over! |
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| 04:28pm 02/11/2003 |
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mood:  restless music: basement jaxx - rendez vu
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well today dave is all like, hey ill take you to school and take you home, but then, hmmm, dave takes me to school, but where is he when the effin bell rings? NOWHERE TO BE FOUND!!! he called me like twice, but it was during school. of course i couldnt answer. whatev. anyway lisa ended up taking me home. heart. god i hate not having my car. god damn swim coach! c'mon it was his fault! this so sucks. i hate relying on other people for rides. all i want right now is some god damn sushi, but nooooooo kellen doesnt have a god damn car to get to the god damn sushi place. god damn it. oh man, got a new trigonometry teacher. she seems pretty nice. and carla thinks shes hot. oh man. carlas hot for teacher. so yeah. i actually have math homework tonight. damn chehadi! right about now im bored out of my mind. battling a mean bout of cabin fever. this all boils down to not having a car. i SO miss that little white bolt of lightning! anyway. going to find something to do. ciao. x's and o's |
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| good times. |
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| 04:26pm 31/10/2003 |
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mood:  chipper music: of montreal - rapture rapes the muses
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had coldstone's tonight. whoa. awesome ice cream! punmpkin, pie crust and snicker bars. ahhhh! went to norm (yeah that guy from remembering never)'s party last night in parkland. totally designated drivered it up! i was an angel. well. an angel with a wand. then the angel wings came off and i was just a fairy thing sans wings. whatever. nikki was a go-go dancer and dora was shriff hotpants. saw this kid jason there. totally weird. i didnt even know it was him until he introduced himself at the keg and told us we had to pay five bucks for a drink and then he was all like I KNEW I KNEW YOU FROM SOMEWHERE and i was all like whoa. can i get some for free. but hes super creepy and looks WAY better with costume makeup on. and hes 21. how bizarre. so yeah. i didnt drink OK? like the whole ride there i had to endure ass and tities and my goodies over and over again. but its all good. we know how to work it! someone SO spilled beer on me, fuckin' $200 shoes! man i was pretty miffed. long story short. went to a party. biggest party I had ever been to. met a bunch of people. ate some ice cream. drove home. and the highlight: slept in the same bed as nikki IN MY MAKEUP. woo! zit city. good times. x's and o's |
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| holy wow! |
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| 10:57pm 27/10/2003 |
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mood:  tired music: Tilly and the Wall - Shake it Out
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yeah. see. its been so long since i've written in this thing. still like maxeen. though not my band of choice. anyways. got that job. not as incredibly cool as i once presumed. whatev. i make my money. Bonefish Mac's. im a hostess. visit me! theres my plea. ha i rhymed. yeah. so. i saw this whole middle school get together thing on here and was all like "whoa" when mike stanwyk told me about it. not like anyone would really remember me. i wasnt known by too many. my most prominant memory of middle school was victoria vitale. she lives a street over from me and i havent seen her in 2 years. sad. i wonder if shes still as hot as everyone once declared. x's and o's |
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| ok ok heres the low down... |
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| 12:17pm 24/04/2003 |
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mood:  bouncy music: hey mercedes... knowing when to stop
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last night. maxeen. oh my fucking god! they're the best. i cant even begin to describe the passionate love i have for them. their music makes my heart go pitter patter. oh and the lead singer, but you can ask the extremities about that one. hells yes. anyhoo onto another topic of interest. why do no guys talk to me?! am i unapproachable? ryan and i were thoroughly discussing this issue last night. we've come to the conclusion that we're either too gah damn sexy (ka-psh!) or we're just two terribly hideous individuals. no in between, too sexy / too ugly. i'd rather be hideous than plain. midway is bland. midway is not an option. cielito lindo is the bizzity bizzity bomb! soooooo good. i felt so bad because dave wanted me to hang out with him yesterday during the day and i told him id call him back. never did. he didnt exactly call me back either. oh well. his loss. man if i dont get this gah damn job i am going to cry cry cry because its just TOO cool. well ok it isnt all that great, but DAMN IT i hate rejection! ugh. welp as the saying goes: thats my story. im stickin to it. |
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| here it is... my inaugural entry! |
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| 01:34am 12/04/2003 |
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mood:  sleepy music: the shins... kissing the lipless
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well ryan, i finally did it, i finally got an "LJ" as you so fondly call it. god i love the shins. they are so awesome! i have the worst stomach ache right now. darn you ryan! no more burgar king... EVER! grrrr. tonight my buddy nikki called me up for the like the first time in forever and she had someone on the phone who wished to converse with me. i found that odd and felt bad when i couldnt guess who it was on the other end. i thought it was this kid JJ but it ended up being my buddy derek from myspace. small world. i didnt know he knew nikki. that shocked me. in the best way possible of course. i looooooove me some freedom. i just cant wait to have my license. that little white jetta is calling my name. i can hear it: "kellen," it speaks, "kellen! come and drive in the comfort of my lovely grey interior and manual windows. come!" i just cant wait. im so excited. just 27 (or so) more days. the countdown begins! life awaits my grasp. keep sane. xoxo |
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ohsosmitten's journal